It's been another frustrating week in the world Philly sports. The Phillies are off to another slow start, barely winning yesterday to get to 1-2. Andy Reid is pissing us off with comments about how great they are at wide receiver. And, the Flyers are falling into oblivion.
What is a fan of these teams supposed to do? We don't have a police force to keep these owners, front office types, coaches, and players in check. There is no governing body.
Well, turns out our best friend in these times would be none other than the infamous killing machine Anton Chirgurgh who could scare the living shit out of Genghis Khan.
David Montgomery came out of his hole the other night during a brutal 1-0 loss and sat in the booth with his flunkie Chris Wheeler.
I can promise you that Anton Chigurgh wasn't throwing him softballs. Here's their exchange.
Montgomery: So, I was told that you needed to see me.
Anton: I don't know did I?
Montgomery: Is there a problem?
Anton: I don't know just yet. Why would you ask that?
Montgomery: You just show up to my office unannounced. How did you get in here?
Anton: Don't worry about how I got in here...friendo. Let me ask you something. This team you own the Phillies. You seem to act like you're acting in good faith and in the fans' best interests.
Montgomery: That's what any good owner would do.
Anton: Oh. How did you come to own this team?
Montgomery: I started here over 30 years ago and a good friend of mine Bill Giles, who owned the team brought me into the fold.
Anton: Cronieism. I see.
Montgomery: Excuse me.
Anton: Your friend put you in here. You were one of his cronies. That's cronieism. You'd never have done this on your own. You're just not that talented.
Montgomery: Well, that's one way of looking at it.
Anton: That's not a way of looking at it. That's the way it is. So, do you have any intentions of spending a lot more money on a real starting pitcher?
Montgomery: That all depends.
Anton: I see. How much money does an average ticket cost to watch this team?
Montgomery: Well, it could be $30-$40.
Anton: "It could be $30-$40" is not a number. How much is it?
Montgomery: About that figure.
Anton: You don't even know what you're talking about do you. Let me ask you, what's the most you ever lost in a coin toss?
Montgomery: I don't know how to answer that.
He flips a coin and slams it on the desk.
Anton: Call it.
Montgomery: What do I stand to win?
Anton: Just call it.
Montgomery: I need to know what's at stake.
Anton: You stand to gain everything. Just call it.
Montgomery: Ok, heads.
Anton: Uh oh, hey David. It's tails.
Anton pulls out a gun and puts it to Montgomery's head.
Anton: Now, since you lost you must say as loud as you can that, "I am a shitty owner and have no intentions of spending enough to win a World Series."
Montgomery: Please, don't kill me.
Anton: I won't, if you repeat what I said. Now, say it!
Montgomery (shouting): I AM A SHITTY OWNER AND HAVE NO INTENTIONS OF SPENDING ENOUGH TO WIN A WORLD SERIES!!!
Anton: Now, go spend some more money friendo, because I wanna go about shooting everybody I can see when I watch this team blow leads. And, you'll be the first to go.
Montgomery: Yes sir.
Now, we'll turn to an encounter between Anton and Andy Reid in his living room.
Andy: Hmmmfff, how did you get in here?
Anton: You left the backdoor open, friendo.
Andy: Awww man. I did it last week and one of my son's friends stole our plasma TV.
Anton: What a shame. Let me ask you, if a player doesn't catch a ball in the end zone more than a few times a year, does he remain a good player?
Andy: Well, that all depends.
Anton: Everybody always says that.
Andy: Says what?
Anton: "Well, that all depends." Nobody can ever shoot straight with me. You people all sound like politicians, dodging the question. Now, I'll ask you again. If you have a wide receiver, you know someone who catches the football and they NEVER get in the endzone are they a good player?
Andy: No.
Anton: Good. Well, why do you tell the fans they are?
Andy: Because, I am afraid to bash my players in the media and because I am a stubborn person who doesn't care what the fans think.
Anton: Oh. Shocking.
Andy: What's shocking?
Anton: Your unbelievable candor. The last guy, a guy who owns another team in this town was the exact opposite. I appreciate you admitting your faults.
Andy: Well, it's all an act with me. I know I make the fans mad, but it's my way or the highway.
Anton: Ok, well I suggest you get a real player in here to catch the football.
Andy: I don't understand.
Anton: Yes you do.
A long pause as Anton stares down Big Red and puts the fear of God into him.
Andy: Ok, I will.
Anton: Good. I'll be back in a week if you don't.
And, there you have it. Anton saved two teams. David Montgomery was scared shitless and forced the other owners to sell the team to a real owner and Andy Reid has been scared straight.
If only this were for real.
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