Weekly Wrap-Up

Even Ari Gold would have a hell of a time selling John Stevens to Ed Snider



Ok, after a two-week hiatus, I'm bringing back the wrap-up. Was limited on time the past two Fridays so I had to change the format, but now we're back to the wrap-up on Fridays.

A lot has happened this past week. Between the Flyers' skid, the Sixers laying the brown egg against the Celtics one night then coming up big against the Pistons another night, and the Eagles losing out on the Larry Fitzgerald sweepstakes, and yesterday's bashing of Mitch Williams by Lenny Dykstra, I'd say there's a lot to discuss.

So, who better to gift wrap the goings-ons in the wonderful world of Philadelphia sports news than the one and only Ari Gold of "Entourage"-one of the classic comedic characters in TV history.

Imagine for a second that Ari Gold is Ed Snider's right hand man on personnel matters for the Flyers. And, he also advises the Phillies and Eagles on matters. Here's a conversation between Ari and Ed Snider from this week.

Ari: Listen Ed, I hear you buddy, but we gotta give John another chance. I represented him and he's been a close, personal friend for 20 years.

Ed: Ari, I don't give a damn how long you've known this guy. He's a f***ing zombie out there. He makes that guy from Old Country from Old Men look like a godd**n Pat Croce. He's f***ing lifeless and the team shows it.

Ari: Look, he's getting on the players. He sees they f***ing dropped a big giant s**t against the Maple Leafs.

Ed: A big, giant, s**t! He blew up the whole f***ing sewage system and it's exploded all over my godd**n office!

Ari: I hear you Ed. But, let's not get hysterical.

Ed: Hysterical! I spent over $20 f***ing million dollars of my money this year to bring in some fresh blood. Look, Paul is flipping out about this team. He worked his ass off to bring them back to life and that godd**n Stevens is f***Ing everything up!

Ari: But, the players respect John. Especially after he had the balls to call them out. He'll turn it around. Give him time.

Ed: Look Ari, if this team doesn't make the playoffs he's getting s**t canned. He's out on his ass. Go down there and talk to him and fix this f**k up.

Looks like things aren't too happy in regards to the Flyers, but the Sixers are sitting pretty just 3 games under .500 and in the 7th spot. Here's what Ed and Ari had to talk about after their win against Detroit.

Ed: Ari, this is good news. The people are starting to care about the Sixers again! The ratings were at their highest all season and we sold out the f***ing arena finally when Boston came to town. It's a damn shame we lost, but it's good news to see the people care again!

Ari: Ed, good news is when your wife wants to eat box on your birthday. This my friend is great f***ing news!

Ed: Very true Ari. Very true.

Ari: And, look Thaddeus is a superstar in the making. I'd take him over any of the rookies that are actually playing. Hell, I might consider him over Greg Oden.

Ed: I wouldn't go that far-

Ari: But, you have to admit, we got lucky finally and landed a superstar in the draft. Now, we gotta get Andre to agree to a reasonable deal. I'll talk to him about that.

Ed: Very well then.

Here's a quick convo between Joe Banner and Ari in regards to losing out on Larry Fitzgerald.


Ari: Joe, you guys weren't going after Larry Fitzgerald?

Joe: Uh, no Ari. We just wanted to make these fans think that. Our stooges in the papers and G Cobb have been running with it and we just sat back and said nothing. We didn't even want Moss. It was all bulls**t. We just want to make Donovan and the fans think we're trying to appease them.

Ari: Joe, this is f***ing bulls**t. How are you going to sell these f***ing receivers to the people?

Joe: The people? You make this sound like a democracy. We have a license to print money. So what if a few fans cancel their season tickets. We have thousands more ready to jump in their graves. Besides, we are the gold standard when it comes to making money in this town. And, we can use taxpayer money to build a new stadium. That's the biggest lie in sports that you have to use taxpayer money to build a stadium because it can generate revenue and benefit the people. It only benefits us.

Ari: Joe, that's true. We all know that. Ha ha ha, but you can't in your right mind go into this season without getting a true #1 receiver. I mean you know the saying, f**k me in the a** once shame on you, but do it twice and you deserve to get f***ed back three times.

Joe: No, I never heard that one. Sure you didn't make that s**t up? Listen, Ari it will be fine, we'll compete for the division, maybe win a round or two in the playoffs and keep them coming back. Looks it's been 25 f***ing years since anybody has won anything in this godforsaken town. These people will be willing to wait another few years.

Ari: Joe, I'm speechless.


Now, we turn to a conversation between Mitch Williams and Ari. Yesterday on Howard Eskin's show Lenny Dykstra absolutely ripped Mitch Williams. And, he didn't get a chance to listen to the interview yesterday afternoon since he was traveling, but Mitch heard it late last night and spoke to Ari this morning.

Mitch: Ari, I could give a flying f**k what that wannabe Warren Buffet says about me. He doesn't even show up to the team reunions half the time and he's not associated with the team.

Ari: I hear you Mitch. So what that he thinks you blew the whole series. Everybody knows you didn't give up all 14 f***ing runs in those games.

Mitch: We win and lose as a team and that f***er needs to understand that. I want you to lure him to a restaurant downtown and then I'm gonna ambush that little sawed off f***er.

Ari: Where at?

Mitch: I don't give a f**k if it's at Applebees. I just wanna see him squirm and then I'm gonna knock his f***ing teeth out of his fat head.

Ari: I always thought he was a jerk off. This just solidifies it. Good thing he thinks I like him. I'm on it Mitch.

And, that concludes Ari's work from this week.