Friday, January 25, 2008

Weekly Wrap-Up

Al Swearengen would make both sides work out Howard's contract issues



Been a slow news week this week in Philly. The big item dominating the headlines has been the Phillies' reluctance to give Howard a long-term contract. In fact, they're hesitating to give him $10 million this year. And, both sides are set to face on February 20th for an arbitration hearing.

Ryan Howard is currently on his third agent. It's clear that his parents are having a major influence on him, much like Eric Lindros' parents had on him.

And, we know how that story ended. It was uglier than Calamity Jane in "Deadwood."

So, part of the fun with the weekly wrap-up is we get to imagine if some of my favorite characters from TV or the movies get to be involved in sports.

And, what if Al Swearengen were Ryan Howard's agent? He certainly wouldn't (bleep) things up for Howard.

Dave Montgomery: We understand your position Al, but we don't see why we have to sign Ryan now, when he won't become a free agent until 2011. We don't need another Burrell situation.

Al: You're going to compare Howard to Burrell? That's like comparing that slimy, little, worthless c***sucker E.B Farnum to Bill Clinton. There is no comparison. Did Burrell win rookie of the year? Did he follow it up with an MVP season and 58 f***ing homeruns? Did he follow that up with 40-some more homeruns? F*** no!

Dave Montgomery: No, but he....

Al: (in a child's voice) No, but he what? But, he put a f*** load of asses in your seats at that bandbox you fools reap the benefits from. You c***suckers have a license to print money with that stadium. You never lose money because you have a f***ing budgets, as if such a f***ing thing should exist in the world of sports when you want to win a championship. Not with you though Montgomery.

Montgomery: I see your point Al. Ryan has provided the fans with a reason to go to the ballpark.

Al: A reason? He is THE reason to go down there. Tell him Ryan.

Ryan Howard: I put a lot of asses into the seats David.

Al: I'll tell you what Montgomery, if you don't give Ryan a 7-year deal in the $120 million neighborhood, and don't give us that Pujols contract bulls**t either, because that was a few years ago, and market forces change. So, if you don't give us this modest increase over Pujols' numbers, we'll walk you blundering, f***Ing fool.

A long pause.

Al: So, what's it gonna be? You gonna start the s**t storm by nickeling and diming us and taking it to the arbitration hearing only to lose. And, then we'll f***ing walk after 2001. Or, are you gonna unglue that wallet from your fat ass and make good?

Another long pause.

Montgomery: You win Al. You win. We'll draw up the contract and have it out to you this afternoon.

Al: My kind of man. Now, lets spit in our hands and shake on it.

Everybody spits in their hands and they shake hands and the deal is consummated.

And, "The Rhino" remains a Philly for seven more years.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Damn right. Al would set Montgomery straight!

They better f'in sign Howard. He's their best player in the past 20 years!!!