Friday, January 18, 2008

Weekly Wrap-Up

What if Tony Soprano were managing TO and advising Jerry Jones?



It's that time again. Not only is Friday the end of the week, payday for many of you, party-time for many of us including yours truly, and of course time for the weekly wrap-up.

Aside from TO's crying game on Sunday, we saw major league baseball make an asinine decision to extend Bud Selig for three years, Bobby Fischer kicked the bucket today, the Phillies re-signed a couple of their players for one-year deals, and the Cowboys in effect made Wade Phillips a lame duck coach.

Shall we begin?

We can analyze the TO press conference in many ways. Was it genuine, or was it just another example of TO pulling a stunt to get attention? I'd be inclined to believe the latter is the case.

So, what would Tony Soprano say to TO, if he were TO's manager? Just picture Tony chiding him as if he were his son A.J. after getting busted for snorting max alerts in the back of a classroom.

Tony: So, I see you were on TV again and pulling some more s**t. What's the matter with you?

Tony smacks TO in the side of the head.

TO: Ouch. Tony, don't do that. I'm sorry man, but I wanted to express my feelings about Tony.

Tony: Listen, you f***ing pussy, you make several million dollars and lost a game. It's not the end of the world. Getting whacked is the end of the world. So what? They're ragging on him. Look at him. He's a cookaloo and hanging out with that broad Jessica and trying to get attention-just like you. You were a disgrace. A total embarrassment. Why didn't you just wear a bras under you're f***ing suit and pull off the suit to show off a bras.

TO: I don't appreciate you talking to me like this.

Tony: What did you say?

Tony gets up and gets in his face.

TO: Look-I'm sorry. Next time I'll try not to do that.

Tony: Repeat after me. "I Terrell Owens, promise not to act like a pansy any longer, and will never again."

TO: I-

Tony: I Terrell

TO: I Terrell Owens, promise not to act like a-

Tony: pansy any longer

TO: a pansie any longer, and will never again.

Tony: Good. Now, get the f**k outta here and act like a man. You make my son look like Chuck Norris, you half a f***ing f*g.

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What about the lame duck coach of the Cowboys?

And, what if Tony were advising the owner of the rival Dallas Cowboys, Jerry Jones? As you may have heard the Cowboys just inked offensive coordinator Jason Garrett to a $3 million a year contract, making him the highest paid assistant coach in the NFL. This will all but make Wade Phillips a dead man walking in Dallas.

Tony: What are you trying to do make the Eagles get a leg up on you? You extend this little pipsqueak Jason Garrett to a big contract and treat him like he's the greatest thing since Holsten's onion rings.

Jerry: Well, Tony I need to sure up my coaching staff for the future and ensure we pull him off the market. I know that Wade can't get the job done and it's only a matter of time.

Tony: So, why not just get rid of him. Look, I'll fire him myself. He can't win a playoff game to save his f***ing life. All you're doing is creating a distraction for your team.

Jerry: Well, that may be true.

Tony: It is true! Your team is gonna fail in this situation next year and you'll let the godd**n Eagles get back on top!

Jerry: Don't worry Tony. I'm not concerned about them. They don't ever make any big splashes in the offseason.

Tony: Yeah, that may be true, but I don't like this s**t one bit. You go down there and fire Wade Phillips right now. If you don't, I'll whack him myself. He's a f***ing dead man walking anyway.

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And, imagine if Tony were deriding the MLB owners for extending Bud Selig for 3 years. Picture Tony bringing them all together for a meeting at a downtown hotel in New York City and speaking to the room.

I'll leave that up for your imagination.

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